I would have said that I was a very easy going person, in general – that things didn’t get me down and no matter what, you just keep going. After all I’m a mother of 3, I have a wonderful husband and three best friends and a full time job that always gives you a challenge each day – I really couldn’t ask for more….. Could I?
So why at the age of 43 do I find that I am now suffering from depression? As far as I could see nothing has changed…… I still have three children (now 17, 13 & 10), a wonderful (and fully understanding) husband (married 15 years) and my three very best friends have stayed the same. (In fact I’ve known them since we were at school together). I’d had changed location job wise, however, I still worked for the same person and the office now is so much better.
I hadn’t wanted to be 40, but I decided that as it was going to happen no matter what, I should embrace it – stand up to life’s new challenges – so I had a very nice 40th birthday party, had all my friends and family over to help me celebrate and what a night we had. I woke up the following morning feeling no different, with my eyes closed tightly shut I was only just 18 with everything in front of me. Then maybe that was the problem, I hadn’t done everything I thought I could or would have done by the time I had reach 43. Had anybody asked me what I would want to do, the answer would have been, I’m doing it – I wouldn’t change a thing.
But I now have to stop and think about what I really want to do, doctors’ orders – the little white, sometimes yellow and green and now all green pills are no longer hitting the target, so more action needs to be taken. Having had 4 out of 6 meetings with a councillor I find I have more questions now than answers – however, it has been uncovered that;
· I am a bullied child (Mother not willing to cut the apron strings and I’m not strong enough to cut them myself),
· I have issues with my father (who has suffered from alcohol addiction for many years)
· I feel that I have to help everyone and feel like a total failure if I can’t. (Haven’t been able to get it into my head, that the only people that can really help people are…… themselves) and;
· I am a very insecure person who craves to be loved and needs to have a full support team around her at all times otherwise I fall apart.
Not quite the person I started describing at the beginning of this blog. In fact I’m not sure I really know this person – all I do know is that I can’t any longer hide myself in the bedroom and cry myself to sleep, it’s not healthy for me, my children or my marriage and my friends would soon disappear if my mood swings were anything to go by.
So what does any self-respecting women of 43 do, to correct all the wrongs and missed opportunities that have moulded her life so far? Believe it or not, I picked up a self-help book that a friend had recommended on her Facebook page – I’ve only read the book three times so far, but I do think that some improvements have been made and surely forward can be the only option.